Navigating the Five Phases of Divorce Grief
Whether you initiated it or not, divorce brings up all kinds of feelings. Because each divorce is unique, it’s impossible to predict exactly how and when you will have these emotions. Yet there are common themes and patterns in what women tend to experience emotionally. After years of supporting hundreds of women going through divorce, I have developed a five-phase model of divorce grief. My hope is that it will help you navigate this emotional journey, providing a general roadmap for the process of recovery. You may find that some phases overlap or you return to earlier stages before moving forward again. The trail may be long and steep, with twists and turns along the way, but you will eventually land in a more peaceful place, transformed by your experience.
The Heartbreak Phase is the first phase of divorce grief. Whether you initiated or not, this initial phase includes anger, sadness and bargaining. If your spouse initiated the divorce, you may also experience shock and denial. Many women describe feeling as if the rug has been pulled out from under them, a bomb has gone off in the living room, or their foundation has been shaken. In addition to emotional pain, many women experience physical symptoms including changes in sleep and appetite in this phase as well.
The Rollercoaster Phase marks the middle of the divorce and is often the longest phase. When you ride a rollercoaster, there are lots of ups and downs, a few calmer straightaways, times you will feel out of control, and a sense of relief when the ride ends. Unlike a real rollercoaster, no one gets done with their divorce and shouts “I wanna do that again!”. Instead, you will feel immense relief when you get off the divorce rollercoaster.
During this phase, you will undoubtedly experience a whirlwind of emotions and you may even feel so much that you fear you are going crazy. You may feel sad, angry, fearful, frustrated, worried, regretful, hurt, rejected, ashamed, confused and relieved. While there isn’t an on/off button for your feelings, you can begin to develop a volume button. Over time, your painful feelings will become less intense, less frequent, and when they do come, they will not last as long.
In the Rollercoaster Phase, your feelings will come and go in no predictable order and will often overlap. At times you may have two seemingly opposite feelings at once. In this phase, it is crucial that you develop a good support system and a self-care plan that works for you.
The Mending Phase follows the Rollercoaster Phase. In this phase your emotions become much less intense and less frequent as you mend your heart. This phase represents a shift in focus away from your ex and towards yourself. You may still feel sad, but you will also experience greater relief as you move away from the conflict and tension in your marriage. Your relationships with your ex, your family and friends may get renegotiated during this stage as you seek new connections and create new boundaries. This is also a time for reflection and taking responsibility for your part in your marriage and divorce.
The Letting Go Phase is a phase in which you accept that your marriage is over. You begin to feel calmer as you move out of a state of limbo and into a life with more certainty. Your story of your marriage will evolve to include greater understanding and shared responsibility. You will have more energy for investing in non-divorce related activities. You will experience more peace and no longer feel so activated by your ex. As a new identity emerges, you will find it easier to let go of your identity as a married person and someone who is part of an intact family. You will begin to find forgiveness towards yourself, those close to you, and maybe even your ex. Creating and maintaining healthy boundaries will be important in this phase.
The Moving on Phase
In some ways, life will return to normal, but not the normal of the past. This will be a new normal. Your new identity will emerge as you embrace what you need and want in life. As you regain power and control, you may find that you build new interests and new relationships. Many women go from feeling the divorce was the worst thing that could happen to them to the best thing. You have survived and you are ready to thrive. Now you can be a resource to other women facing divorce.