Now We’re Really Talking (About Divorce)

Recently I wrote an article about the way in which celebrity divorce announcements ignore the painful reality of grief and anguish that so often accompany divorce. Why don’t we talk—really talk—about divorce?  was published on Cognoscenti/WBUR on April 6th and remained the #1 most frequently read article on that site for 8 days. In one week, over 50,000 people read it. I guess people really do want to talk about divorce!

 I heard from women all over the country who were moved by my call for us to talk about what really happens when a marriage ends, a family dismantles. One woman contacted me to thank me as she had shared the piece with her parents and siblings to help her family understand her experience. It seemed the idea about who broke the spoken and unspoken rules of partnership, who left the marriage vs. who ended the marriage, and the lingering guilt for women over initiating divorce was most meaningful to readers.

 Two days after the article was published, NPR posted it on their Facebook page. Readers responded in droves and the comments and shares exploded. I watched from my kitchen table as a support group formed before my eyes in the comment section. Rachel, a woman from Missouri wrote in “I’ll talk about divorce. It was brutal…and necessary…in my experience. I seriously wouldn’t wish it on anyone, and yet, I’m so profoundly grateful for the privilege of choosing it and fighting my way through. It’s the most complicated, and honestly HARDEST, thing I’ve ever faced.” A flurry of comments responded to Rachel’s post, most of them supportive. Lots of comments with heart emojis from women saying, “me too”, “thanks for posting” and describing their own divorces. Perhaps my favorite comment came from a woman named Katie in Chicago who wrote “Did I write this? No. You did. But you wrote exactly how I felt and feel today”. Katie’s comment perfectly describes one of the greatest benefits of joining a support group—the feeling that you are not alone, and your feelings make sense.

“Being heard is so close to being loved that for the average person, they are almost indistinguishable.” David Augsburger

In the support groups I lead in my office, women are given the opportunity to talk to other members who understand the rollercoaster of emotions associated with divorce. They often talk about their experiences and feelings in profound and meaningful ways. The women in my groups often remark that their well-meaning friends and family are unable to understand the nuances of their circumstances and so they find great relief talking to women who “get it”. The more we are able to put words to painful experience, the less isolated we become and the closer we can come to healing and growth. Let’s keep talking.